Body dysmorphia

Lying in bed at 2 o'clock in the morning,

After two hours of trying all my clothes,

I can see that I have changed,

I'm at a point where everything feels too big and baggy too baggy,

And all t-shirts have become too saggy,

And now nothing fits,

I have been making progress in my weight loss journey,

With each shed of kilogram comes a great joy followed by relief,

Yet I still have those days when my weight shoots up as it aims for the sky,

But I hope not because from that I will definitely die,

So progress it seems I am making physically,

But the scars I'm left with are the ones that still hurt me emotionally.

Especially when some tell me that just because I'm a guy my appearance doesn't matter,

Yet it means a lot to me Goddammit!!!

Someone recently told me that I look great,

But looking great isn't the same as feeling great,

I'm more energetic I won't lie,

And it feels good just to be able to breath and not breathe heavy,

But as soon as I turn to look at the man in the mirror

I see my stomach staring back at me,

Just casually waiting for its next fill.

Chanting the words "food is good,and more is better,

You should eat more ,it doesn't matter if you become fatter."

So what's the solution to my current dilemma?

Maybe going out and buying new clothes that fit?

Will that help me feel better about how I look,

Or will it just be realization that new clothes don't change an body,

And an body,just like mine is suffering from the old mind,

So maybe physically exercise need me to supplement it with mental exercising,

So that I can cut down my bad thoughts basically down sizing,

So I begin to wonder is this what it's always going be like,

Or is this me attaining my ideal body goal,

At the risk of losing my sanity and my soul.

Photo by patricia serna on Unsplash